


Oh, Why Can I Not Conquer Love?

by I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own



Series: Malec One Shots [5]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: During their mini break up in Season 2, Hurt Magnus Bane, Magnus Bane Needs A Hug, Not so happy ending, References to Suicide Attempt, Suicidal Thoughts, but a hopeful one, suicide ideation, there is definitely depression here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-05-20 02:53:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14886287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own/pseuds/I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own
Summary: -“Hearts are breakable," Isabelle said. "And I think even when you heal, you're never what you were before".-Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels





	Oh, Why Can I Not Conquer Love?

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I was listening to Elastic Heart by Sia, and well... things happened... 
> 
> So, this delves a little into suicidality, so if you're in a delicate place, please take care of yourself and maybe don't read this? But if reading such things does help you, please go ahead, but I know for myself it's a delicate balance between being able to read suicidality fics, and wanting to enact them. So please be careful.

_You did not break me,_  
_I'm still fighting for peace._  
  
_Well, I've got thick skin and an elastic heart,_  
_But your blade—it might be too sharp._  
_I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard,_  
_Yeah, I may snap and I move fast._  
_But you won't see me fall apart,_  
_'Cause I've got an elastic heart_.  
~Elastic Heart, Sia

* * *

He walks away from Alec, feeling the betrayal biting, tearing into his heart the way it did after Camille, the way it has after every lover he’s had to walk away from or be destroyed. He thought this time it would be different, he thought this time he had found the _one_. Threw himself in with reckless abandon, but let’s be real, he did that for Camille, too. Thought she placed the moon and the stars.

She didn’t.

Alexander didn’t, either.

* * *

It was spite, he thinks, that kept him going when Camille betrayed him. She saved his life, taught him he still had things to live for, and then she tore it all away. But he kept going, just to prove that he didn’t need her to live. So, he thinks it was spite, can’t think of anything else he had going for him at the time that would have saved him. Can’t think of anything that’s going to save him now. If the world wasn’t about to end, maybe he’d already have found his way to the Brooklyn Bridge, but why hurry things along? If this all fails, he’ll be dead anyway.

And anyway, what is it with him and bridges starting with B?

* * *

When this is all done, he’s going to leave. If he dies, he’ll have a swift reunion with his father in Edom, before spending an eternity as nothing more than a spark in the back of his father’s mind, where all his late siblings have already made their peace. If he lives, he’s stepping down, and he’s moving far, far away. Where he can forget that he sold himself out for a Shadowhunter with pretty eyes, and a mesmerizing smile. Where he can forget that he shoved centuries of oppression into the deep recesses of his mind for a virginal cupid. Where he can forget that his heart is bleeding.

Not broken. Let’s be clear. Because his heart is strong, it will heal, it will bounce back, it always has before, and it will again, it always will. So, it’s bleeding, it might be haemorrhaging, true, but it’s nothing a little time and a lot of distance can’t heal.

Though, the bridge is looking nice this time of year, that’d fix the problem up real quick, too.

* * *

It was easier with Camille, they both jumped town to separate parts of the globe when they split, didn’t have to see each other except for at the occasional party, where they could both pretend the other didn’t exist. But no matter how hard he tries, he just runs into Alec everywhere, even in his own damn loft. _Especially_ in his own damn loft. You’d think his ex would have the decency to send someone else, but no. Because of course, he’s Alec’s first ex, so Alec doesn’t know it’s common decency to _not_ go asking favours of your ex-boyfriend in person, maybe he doesn’t even realize they’ve become exes.

“Send an envoy next time, for Lilith’s sake!” he wants to yell at him, but he doesn’t, just takes a deep breath in and tries not to let Alec see his heart bleeding all over the place as he lets his angel snag him with another arrow.

“Yes, I’ll help the baby Shadowhunter.”

* * *

He walks away from Alec, again, feels that betrayal nibbling at his heart all over again. He walks away, pulling theoretic arrows from his heart.

_You and me, we always seem to find our way back to each other_

_I love you_

_We can figure this out_

Love is not enough, maybe someday he’ll regret being the one who must teach Alec this fact of life. But someone had to. Love is not enough, if it was, he’d still be romping around with Camille, no matter how many times she hurt him, no matter how many times she betrayed him. She saved his life, no matter what else happens between them, he will always love her, if for nothing else, then for that.

Of course, if he gives in to the niggling voice in the back of his mind, there’ll be no Camille to save him this time.

* * *

Really, the only thing surprising about the Seelie Queen’s betrayal is that he’s surprised by it at all. He’s had dealings with her in the past, and they’ve always double crossed each other, they’ve always stabbed each other in the back when they could, so just why wasn’t he expecting it this time? He knows the answer, of course he does.

Alexander.

Because so soon after Alexander’s betrayal, his heart wasn’t ready for another one. This isn’t surprise, it’s _shock._

* * *

Alec’s knocking at the door again, and Magnus just wants to throw himself off the balcony at the sight of him, feels his heart already trying to tear itself out of his chest just to get away. Hears the voice in the back of his mind screaming that he can’t take anymore shocks, can’t take anymore pain. For a second, he almost gets away with shutting the door in Alexander’s face, but that was never going to happen.

“Because it’ll save lives.” He agrees, but maybe it won’t save his.

* * *

“You gonna be okay?” _Well, that’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it?_ Maybe, when all of this is over, and he can portal himself off to somewhere far away, somewhere remote where his heart can heal without the temptation of falling in love all over again. Who is he kidding, though, right? If he leaves, he’s locking up his heart, throwing the key in the heart of a volcano, never letting it back out. Not ever. Not after _this_. Who cares if he’ll start seeing the world in black and white again? It was better than dragging his bleeding heart around.

* * *

Alec screams like someone is murdering him and Magnus feels completely helpless. Wants to do anything to take the pain away, because of course, he still loves him. Will always love him, because just like Camille, Alec saved him. So, he does what he can to ease Alec’s pain, all the while his heart is still bleeding, because this is… because love is not enough. Will _never_ be enough. But he tries anyway.

* * *

When Alec wants to try again, he gives it genuine consideration. Decides to throw himself back into this, with all his bleeding and battered heart, because he’s always been an absolute fool in love. Of course, he is. How many times must an immortal learn that love hurts? That love destroys? That love is fleeting? That it is not kind? He’d been warned about Camille going in, and he still went all in with her. He was warned by everyone about dating a Shadowhunter, and he'd had his own traumatic past experiences with the Clave to know what he was getting into when he decided to pursue Alec. So he can’t, he really can’t blame anyone but himself for this. Can't even blame Alexander, because Alec played so much more than hard to get, it was Magnus who refused to give up. So, he goes all in, decides to let Alexander and the Downworld save him, if they can.

If they can’t, and things don’t work out, well, the Brooklyn Bridge isn’t going anywhere.

* * *

 _And I will stay up through the night,_  
_And let's be clear, won't close my eyes._  
_And I know that I can survive,_  
_I'll walk through fire to save my life._  
  
_And I want it, I want my life so bad,_  
_I'm doing everything I can._  
_Then another one bites the dust,_  
_It's hard to lose a chosen one._  
~Elastic Heart, Sia


End file.
